There are certain toys in my house that engender fervent disgust. 90% of these toys fall into these three categories:
Stuff my kids got in a goody bag
Stuff my kids “won,” because they behaved at the dentist/did some assignment in school/won some terrible contest/were briefly in an arcade
Stuff which broke/stopped working years ago but which my kids insist that we cannot get rid of.
I keep all of these things in a set of IKEA drawers in the corner of my living room and quietly dream of being brave enough to throw them away. Here is a partial list of items, which can be read to the tune of “My Favorite Things” in a newscaster-style voice (I use Dan Rather, but you can pick whatever newscaster you want).
Don’t be fooled by the Brio train set next to the drawers. I love the train set.
That’s really it, which (admittedly) feels a little weird. I don’t really have a lot to say about this stuff, I just truly, passionately hate it and want to throw all of it on a bonfire.
*. *. *
My Least Favorite Things
Small plastic slinkys that don’t work as slinkys
They have none of the enjoyable tactile sensations of a regular Slinky, nor do they “walk” down the stairs. I have no idea what they do or why they exist. Their uselessness is infuriating and a new one shows up in the house about every 2 months.
Fingertraps kids use to lock up my pinkies.
These are genuinely fun for about 4 minutes.
Cheap 2-piece hedgehog some Kinder Egg brings
Can we at least get rid of the one where we lost the legs, COME ON
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Fidget-Spin-Pop-It he’s always adjusting
Ok, I don’t hate this thing but if it disappeared forever no tears would be shed
GROSS TACTILE GEL BALLS (SO F***ING DISGUSTING)
These are like a horrific mashup between caviar and human testicles and whoever invented them should be thrown into a ball pit full of their own invention where they will be (hopefully) trapped for eternity.
Styrofoam airplane with non-working wings
Amazingly, I must have finally thrown this away, but here’s what it looked like for the 4+ years it was sitting in that drawer
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Themed rubber ducks and an LED rave glove
The LED glove hasn’t lit up or had a partner since before the CoronaVirus pandemic and yet here it still is.
Wall-sticking throw hand I cannot get rid of
THE FISH ONE DOESN’T EVEN STICK ANYMORE, LET ME THROW THESE AWAY.
Yo-yos with 23 knots in their strings
Full disclosure: The crappy yo-yos I actually throw out before the kids even see them because THEY DO NOT WORK AND I HATE THEM SO MUCH. This is actually a better quality yo-yo that is nonetheless full of knots.
These are a few of my least favorite things.
When the bee bites. When the dog stings.
When the internet signal is “weak”
I simply remember my least favorite things
and they usually ruin my week.
Small plastic frogs and mechanical pencil
Sorry this is still going, this is rage that’s been building for a while
Old, broken glow stick that seems non essential????
Me: It doesn’t light up, it’s just a meaningless plastic tube!! My 7yo: YOU CAN’T THROW IT OUT, I’M PLAYING WITH IT
Plastic hand-clapper with loud, shitty noise
What is the sound of one hand clapping for 20 straight minutes while I’m on a phone call with Verizon
Why are we still holding on to these toys?
We’ve had this for two years, so please can I toss it.
I actually loved these as a kid, but I hate them now because all the joy in my heart is dead
Or run this gross unicorn under the faucet
STOP GIVING US STICKY ITEMS THAT ATTRACT THOUSANDS OF SMALL, GROSS HAIRS
Dismembered doll leg with small foosball teams
Sometimes my son literally just plays with the leg like it’s a fully sentient person with dreams and goals
Keychain with lips that keeps haunting my dreams.
7yo: Can she kiss you? Me: She may not even touch me.
When my kids ask,
“WHERE’S MY DOLL LEG????”
And they seem so sad,
I’ll reveal I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away,
and then they won’t feel
so bad.
*. *. *
HONORABLE MENTIONS (AKA THINGS THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT INTO THE SONG)
What is the point of these? I will quietly admit I find these strangely fulfilling. I would also happily throw them away.We have three of these somehow. Kudos to whatever toy designer was like, “No no no, it’s not an iPhone, it’s an iPhone-shaped toy vending machine with volume buttons in the places an iPhone would have volume buttons.” WELL PLAYED.
*. *. *
Thanks for reading. If you know someone (with a sense of humor) who’s either pregnant or struggling through raising a baby, please feel free to buy them a copy of my book, linked to HERE, or if you don’t want to use Amazon, HERE.
If you have your own house full of cheap, horrific garbage and want to tell me about them, you can leave a comment either here or on my Facebook Page.
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